Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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