dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
