11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
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Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
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i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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