is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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