He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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