Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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