I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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