Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
