Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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