I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
