fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
