Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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