Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
