Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
