Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
