remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
