Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
