whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
