Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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