Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
