I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
