right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
