Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
