you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
