the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I want a musical about memes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
