I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
