3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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