This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
