Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
