i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
