She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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