you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
