yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
