Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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