I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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