Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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