There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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