Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
