u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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