i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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