Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
