Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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