My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
