This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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