my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
