I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
