OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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