nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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