Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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