How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
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He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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