Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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