Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
