My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
