theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
