I wish I could teleport
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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