You really coming over, don't trick.
there's paper in my vomit.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
