i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
