youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
