I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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